Essays By Emmett
by NessBellaLondon22
Summary: Justa bunch of funny essays Emmett writes for school. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Global Warming

By Emmett Cullen

People wonder why the glob is warming. Some believe it and some do not. Those who believe would be correct. Those who don't are stupid and need to get a good grip on reality.

But there are so many questions as to why the globe is warming Some people believe that it's just natural, some believe that the aliens are blasting them with their heat rays, and some people just think that humans are doing it.

I, Emmett McCarty Cullen, have discovered the true answer to this problem.

Pirates. You see, pirates are truly divine, and today's conception of them as thieves is wrong, they used to hand out candy to children! They even had an alliance with the midget green and purple aliens from the planet of Midget-X.

Global Warming is caused by the shrinking numbers of Pirates. The pirates would give the midget aliens gold in exchange for the aliens not melting the glaciers. When people started to attack the poor pirates, the aliens got mad. No one would give them gold anymore.

Pirates became desperate. The needed they're gold to buy supplies to survive like food and stuff. The pirates stopped wearing red on Thursday because they couldn't afford to. The midget Aliens didn't know and thought they were all imposter pirates. But the midget aliens still wanted gold. They came down from space and stole all the gold. This made the pirates very angry and therefore breaking the alliance.

Just before the midget aliens tried to leave, the pirates caught up to them with their freakishly fast speedy boats and pelted them with apples! Apples are midget aliens one weakness. I know this because I myself have fought a midget Alien. Her name was Alice and when I threw an apple at her head she felt down and said "Ow."

The midget aliens shape shifted into pandas and began to drink martinis around their spaceship like nothing had ever happened.

This left the pirates confused until the panda midget aliens did something no one expected. They fired The Great Cupcake. It struck down all of the pirates leaving them to lie on the sand covered in pink midget frosting so the panda midget aliens could leave.

This tragic event in history lead to Global Warming as the panda midget aliens formed an army and used they're lasers to burn down the glaciers.

And if there's one thing I've learned from this paper, it's not to play X-BOX with Jasper the night before your science paper is due and to listen to midgets named Alice when they tell you do your home work.


	2. Chapter 2

511 I Really Can't Understand

(No really I can't!)

By Emmett Cullen

So I read this book called _511 Things only Women Understand_ because my wif- I mean my sisters and my girl friend really wanted me to read it. I know this is supposed to be a book report but the problem is that really I couldn't understand this book. It was like it was all in another language. Here's an example of the insanity:

_161: how to end the shouting and start the taking._

What the hell does that mean? Shouting is just loud taking. Jacob and Edward do it all the time but they usually wait until Nessie is out of the room. Then Jasper joins in trying to get them to stop shouting cause we all have very sensitive hearing. Then I start shouting random words because I want to be a part of the group and they all look at me like I'm some kind of crazy person. That's usually when the shouting stops.

_376: Bubble Baths_

Who doesn't understand bubble baths? I love them. Every night when I get home I sit in the bath tub with my little rubber duck and wait for Rosey. She never comes in though because she says grown men don't take bubble baths. If she can take bubble baths, why can't I? It's not like bird flying over rainbows!

_224: How you can have a closet stuffed to the walls and still have nothing to wear_

Now this one I understand pretty well. I don't want to understand it but I do. I live with 5 women and 4 of them are obsessive shoppers. The last time I took their credit cards it was a complete disaster! Alice tried to shave my head!

Somehow I'm starting to understand this book.


End file.
